Nighttime in our house is very active. The boys were never great sleepers, and we may have socialized them to lie down in bed at a decent hour and suffer the light to be turned off without screaming down the house, but they pay us back by waking up and paying visits. Now that Minor is out of a crib and can roam freely, there is more middle-of-the-night bed-hopping than in a French farce. I don’t know how to make a kid stay in bed. The best thing I can come up with is that you stand outside his door and toss him back in whenever he strays. That’s fine for bedtime, but what about the middle of the night, when I’m supposed to be sleeping?

Sunday night was awful. I had injured my back, and had passed out, with the help of two Tylenol P.M. It hurt to move, to sit up, even to turn over. Aitch awoke around two and tried to climb into our bed. Husband brought him back to his room. Then Minor woke up. Events after this point are fuzzy, but Husband says he went from room to room to try to soothe each of them back to sleep, but they kept laughing and talking and bouncing around. Then I got up and yelled, and for about two hours each kid was at least confined to his room. Minor cried for an hour and then fell asleep, but Aitch called out, “Daddy….daddy….” every thirty seconds until my alarm went off at 5:00 a.m.

I was pissed.

I thought Aitch might have a greater appreciation for my interrupted sleep if he had to experience what I went through on an early weekday morning, so I went to his room, pulled off his covers, and told him he was going to have a Mommy Morning.

I took him into the bathroom and turned on all the bright lights, then frog-marched him into the shower with me. I always like to finish off my showers with a little cold water— so helpful in waking up, and makes the hair nice and shiny.

I then made him get fully dressed, from head to toe, in clothes of my choosing. No Tom Brady shirt and comfy jeans; he got a nice thick cable-knit sweater and some pants that were new six months ago and yet have never been worn.

While I dried my hair I sent him on some errands around the house to collect paper, pencils, and a lap desk.

While I got dressed, I made him do lines: “I will sleep in my bed.”

While I packed his school snack I parked him at the kitchen table and gave him a breakfast of toast and water. He looked at the water like he had never seen such a thing. “But I want JUICE,” he said, frowning. I told him that when he learns to stay in his bed all night and be quiet, then we can think about re-introducing high fructose corn syrup into his diet.

For snack, he got celery. Do small children generally like raw celery? If I weren’t so tired, I might be able to remember.

I wrote a note with strict instructions that treats, candy, dessert, TV, and computers were off-limits for both kids for the rest of the day, and then I reminded Husband that the before-school program starts at 7:00, and Aitch was completely ready to go.

The funny thing was that he really seemed to enjoy his “punishment,” especially the lines— he got a huge kick out of that. Later that night, both boys ate dinner like stevedores and then curled up to read books after dinner instead of watching TV. And both kids stayed in bed all night.