Husband read the comments on my last post and was sorely cast down. “Doctor Mama says her baby always wanted to be held, too. What are we going to do?”

I had read Doctor Mama’s comment, too, but I hadn’t gotten past the part where she said, “When I was on maternity leave….”

Muh-tur-ni-tee leeve? What is this muh-tur-ni-tee leeve of which you speak?

With Aitch, I took about three days of vacation before I was back in the grind again. With his brother, I had planned to take more, but ended up back at work last Wednesday or Thursday (the days are starting to blur together, so I’m not sure). It’s not that I’m a workaholic or even one of those people who gets off on being indispensible. When I worked for a big corporation I was always happy to make use of every week of vacation available, but I don’t work for them anymore.

I am, technically, self-employed, so theoretically the maternity leave policy at my “corporation of one” should be generous. I’m free to take as much maternity leave as I like. My customers, of course, are free to stop returning my phone calls when I decide I’m ready to work again. Since projects do come to an end eventually, and are sometimes not immediately replaced by other projects, I’ve become reluctant to turn down work when it’s on offer. Since both Aitch and the little one have arrived in the middle of huge, important projects, I’ve decided to keep working so I won’t be shut out of months of billable time.

Now, our agency requires parents adopting from Korea to spend at least two months without an external caregiver, to help the bonding process. When we had Aitch, it was four months. I think it’s an excellent idea. Since Husband and I both work from home, we’ve decided that we would both keep on working—me on a somewhat abbreviated schedule—and take turns caring for the children so that one of us can work while the other is occupied with the baby. (Aitch still goes to day care but usually comes home mid-afternoon.)

This is either the most ingenious, flexible solution to the work/childcare dilemma ever devised, or it’s sheer idiocy. With one child, it seemed doable. We were busy, but just as we gave each other free time to work during the day, in the evening we could give each other down time, too. Now with two kids home in the evening it’s tough to get that down time.

As I go through my day, I think, “This would be so easy if I didn’t have the stress of the job.” To fit everything in, it all has to go like clockwork. Then I find myself literally watching the clock and panicking: If Aitch doesn’t go to bed on time, I’ll be up all night finishing the X project! If the baby continues to sleep the day away, I’ll be up all night with him and too tired to get up early and work in the morning! I wonder how blissful life would be if I didn’t have that anxiety.

But there’s a catch, of course: I don’t know if I could really enjoy all that mothering time without something to counterbalance it. I really like my work, and I like having the flexibility of being self-employed, enough to give up maternity leave benefits of a big corporation to do it.

So, we balance. About ten times a day we question our sanity in taking this approach, but we keep going. Already, the baby seems more comfortable and secure. I can see the beginnings of a routine starting to form. In six months, it’ll all be different anyway.