Today, we received a wedding invitation in the mail…from people we had never heard of. Could not place them at all.

Husband and I tried to figure out from whose friend/family pool this missive might have been sent. The bride’s last name was Italian (more likely, mine); the groom’s, Irish (more likely, his). The state was his birthplace, but I had recently received an invitation from another friend living there. Could the printer have mixed up the mailing lists?

I desperately wanted to 411 their phone number and clear up the mystery, because wouldn’t that have been a fun conversation: “Hi, you invited me to your wedding! Who are you?” But with my finely honed forensic skills, I noted that the bride’s first name was the same name as my kayak — that is, a family name that Husband’s family, being Irish, is wont to recycle. One call to my sister-in-law later, and we ascertained that the bride was indeed Husband’s first cousin, once removed. Check here for an excellent explanation of cousin terminology.

Husband had never met this woman, nor could recall ever hearing of her existence despite the fact that she was named after his twin sister. Based on what he remembered of her mother, he estimated that she was in her early twenties. Poor girl — I imagine she was strong-armed into inviting every last leaf on the family tree. “But Ma, we have four hundred guests! Can’t we leave off Whosit and his wife — I never even heard of them!” She’s probably saying novenas that we and three hundred other little-known invitees will decline so her parents can afford to serve steak instead of elbow macaroni at the reception.

Sweetie, here’s the answer to your prayers. We will not attend.